My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
