When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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