His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
