Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
