Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
