Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
