I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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