Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
