My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
