He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
