dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
