I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
