Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
