I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
