Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish you could order shots online.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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