Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
