I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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