He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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