We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
