I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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