The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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