I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
