I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
