If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
