remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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