Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
