what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
