I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
