I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
