I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
