I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
