I am midnight drunk by noon
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
