So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
