dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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