I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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