Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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