Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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