We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
