i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
