I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
