Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
