OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
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I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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