He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
