i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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