Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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