can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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