You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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