i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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