I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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