A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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