The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
