i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
