i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
