I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
