She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
