Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
