Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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