we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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