He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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