Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
